Novel Rocket: Things You'll Never Hear a Writer Say

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Things You'll Never Hear a Writer Say

Yippee! Another rejection! Think I'll pin this one. My rejection board has been looking a little sparse.

Really? It's been only six months since I sent you that proposal? Gosh, I totally lost track of time. 

No thanks, Thomas Nelson and Tyndale. Great offers, but really...I'd rather just put my stuff on Smashwords.

I earned another one-star on Amazon for my latest release? Yee-haw! Scathing reviews are my favorites, especially the ones that flay the skin off my bones.

Of course I'd like to cut my manuscript by 25k, throw in a new plot twist, add a major character, and get that back to you by the end of the week. Not a problem. I can skip my grandmother's funeral.

Sweet! I love being at the bottom of the slush pile. So much cozier. Why, I feel like a babe in arms, all swaddled tight like that.

Contracts make me nervous. I sure hope I never have to sign one or I'll be swigging back Benadryl to stave off the ol' hives. 

Whew. Glad I'm so good at telling instead of showing. Hmm. Maybe I could teach a workshop. Surely there's a conference around here somewhere that could use a brilliant class like this.

I didn't really want to win that award anyway. It totally does NOT match my dress.

How thoughtful of you to tell me why my characters are all one-dimensional and that you think my plot was written by a twelve-year-old. You rock!

Michelle Griep’s been writing since she first discovered blank wall space and Crayolas…professionally, however, for the past 10 years. Her latest release, A HEART DECEIVED, is available by David C. Cook. You can find her at:
Writer Off the Leash,
or on TwitterFacebook, or Pinterest.

20 comments :

Nicole said...

Yeah, of course I'd be happy to turn that "edgy" into "syrupy" . . .

;)

Michelle Griep said...

Hah! I think you've caught the virus.

Ane Mulligan said...

And I could work on having my opening scene where the heroine is waking up from a dream.

Jessica L. Brooks (coffeelvnmom) said...

Okay these made me laugh, especially the telling versus showing one! Thank you for that. ;)

P.S. Because I'm a fellow writer, and because I care, I am going to ask: Did you mean to say "thinks" at the beginning of the title? (If so... Methinks I missed something! *wink wink*)

Michelle Griep said...

Something else you'll never hear a writer say: I LOVE it when I make typos for all the world to see.

Thanks for the heads up Jessica!

Susan said...

How about: "What's wrong with head-hopping? It's great exercise for the reader."

Maryann Miller said...

Okay, I can't wait to read that one. LOL

Maryann Miller said...

Hey, we've got to look out for the welfare of our fans, right? :-)

Maryann Miller said...

Thanks so much for starting the fun, Michelle, your post was a hoot. We've all joked about the letters we would write to editors, but I had one friend who actually did write a letter filled with sarcasm and a bit more. I kept trying to tell him that was not a smart move, but he was really mad, and justifiably so. But still, we have to remember we are professionals.

Nicole said...

Bravo to your friend, Maryann. Somebody's got to do the heavy lifting! ;)

Elaine Stock said...

Michelle, thanks so much for the big laugh. I'll Tweet this.

Anonymous said...

A few more:
Why do all the bestsellers read the same?
If Einstein could figure out the theory of relativity why can't I figure out the formula that agents/editors/publishers want?
Why do I have to spend thousands of dollars to attend conferences so I can pitch my book to agents and publishers?
Why are the pulp novels of 1900 to 1950 written better than the bestsellers of today? Is it because publishers have dumbed down what they will publish? Dumbing down has worked for K through postsecondary education. Maybe that's what inspired them?

Julie Garmon said...

Great Sunday morning laugh! Thank you, Michelle :-)

Alycia Morales said...

I love that one, Susan!

Kathy Harris said...

Funny stuff, Michelle :)

Linda Strawn said...

Or gazing at her reflection in the mirror.

Shannon Brown said...

Loved the comment about being "swaddled tight" in the slush pile.

Ellen Andersen said...

Great for a laugh!

Geoff Wright said...

THANKS! MADE ME LAUGH. AHH, THE MEMORIES! GEOFF WRIGHT, AUSTRALIA.

larrywtimm.com said...

Funny stuff!